A Vague Uneasiness

It is a famous fact that a celebrated novelist in Japan, Akutagawa, left his words, "a vague uneasiness" and then committed suicide, but I have no idea about what he really meant. Recently I have also felt somewhat anxiety about my own near future.

About half year is about to have passed soon since I came here, and I am afraid that I will have to leave here this year.

The department I attend doesn't seem to offer me a scholarship to support my life in the US though it says officially that it will offer international students scholarships.

The scholarships my department offers are not for supporting the study and research of grad students, but only for their teaching undergraduate students in the department. However, it may be very natural because my department is not ranked so highly in the ranking of economics.

I have two choices left: both of them are to go back to Japan if I have no assistantship. The main problem is "how I should do after I go back home": to work, or to take the challenge again to apply to econ grad schools in the US. Regarding the latter choice, there's no good chance of getting the admission with full scholarship, but it may be a good thing for me to apply again.

At any rate, I will tread a thorny path and live a hard life.

If I work, I would like to start my career as a professional home teacher. It seems to fit me best. I like teaching and I think that I have a teaching experience as a home teacher(7 years long) and that it may have some market value. Even though I cannot teach the meaning of studying, I will be able to share students' feelings for studying.

If I start my career as a businessman for company, I believe that it will not satisfy me mentally a lot even though it may satisfy me financially.

In the office fully equipped for air-conditioning and heating, I would be asked to do in the opposite way to mine and I would have to give up myself and have no hope for my later life.....
If I could have had been a businessman, I wouldn't stay here and now work for company already in Japan.

Here let me say about my view on job: achievement and fulfillingness are, of course, very important in doing job, but the most important thing for me is "a strong passion for my job".

It sounds somewhat strange to manage to work and spend a personal time. I would ask a question for the people who are seeking hard to balance their job with their personal life: "what do you think of the time of doing your jobs?" The time of job is your own time! (Some people say that selling their time is a job, but I don't think so. Doing things worth paying should be a job. Right? If my time would be worth paying, I would stay and sit at my company's office all day long.)

Can I continue to think about my job all day long? That's the question.

Let me reconfirm my purpose of staying here: I don't like behaving socially in public. I am reproached for my poor speaking English by other international students, and am kept at arm's length if I ask some academic conversations for other students.

I still have a strong interest in pursuit of academics, education and politics. Economics should be more meaningful than we think and still has a lot of unknown fields to research. I believe that the idea of economics is important for us to live a better life.

Education has been underevaluated a little too much in my country and (that's why) many international students in Japan are complaining of their study life in Japan after they go back home.

Government in Japan has become the next job of TV stars. Many politicians are promising many policies that sound all good, but they seem to have no vision of their own on the whole of Japan.

As many politicians are talking to us, "I will support for raising children", "I will improve the working environment for women"- are these two policies really compatible? If more women were working than ever, the opportunity cost of raising children could be so high. Moreover, if the government tried hard to help parents raise their children, a heavy tax would go to many working people. After all, these two policies would never better parents' conditions of raising children, I guess.

An ostensible talk bores me. Or I don't like talking seriously, especially about politics and religion, because I don't think that many people are understanding about these talks, of course, including me.

I should keep in mind that some people don't think just as I think.

Anyway, let's stop talking anymore! I don't trust many people here: they don't seem to try to keep their promises and always change their words(too much "time-inconsistency"). However, it could be a proof that I have no popularity here. (I'm so sad!)

Recently I have been into dynamic macroeconomics. I have been interested in macroeconomics since I was an undergraduate student and I found again that I like macroeconomics even though I sometimes feel sick about much math. I will stop talking with other people for a while, and have a good time to enjoy studying dynamic macroeconomics.

The above post is the English version of the previous post. Thanks.