First of all, I have to say that I’ve never been married in my life, so I cannot speak from experience at present, but from observing my parents. I don’t think that experience always tells the truth, though one always values it much higher than observation. In my conjecture, experience usually has a biased view because it is not objective, but a very personal matter. Thus, sometimes observation may tell the truth rather than experience.
I sometimes wonder what a happy marriage is like. Also I wonder if marriage is really happy. Is it like a happy story described by the famous American movie starring James Stewart, “It’s a Wonderful Life” (1946, Liberty Films, Director, Frank Capra)? An angel comes up to a pitiful man to help him and shows him that there are many people considering and supporting him. Similarly, marriage is a happy story that makes one realize that one’s spouse is the best partner to support one, isn’t it? As Molière (a French playwright and actor) said somewhat ironically, “love is a beautiful misunderstanding, marriage is a miserable understanding.” Is marriage sometimes a painful hardship to be endured? Or is marriage other times such a happy and pleasant part of our life that we cannot endure? It has been said that we have three big choices to make in our life: school, career, and spouse. It seems difficult for us to choose a good spouse to spend a whole life with us, but it seems much more difficult to have a happy marriage.
A famous pundit who teaches women's studies at a university in Japan said an interesting thing about marriage; “Marriage is a contract made with each other to permit free sex.” Also she said that marriage forces women into men’s “sex” slavery. In her idea, marriage is a legal women's comfort. I think this comment is so prejudiced that she never marries. Her observation may tell us that observation also is not an appropriate way for us to know the truth. However, certainly, if I marry, I may be less likely to masturbate or to pay for a prostitute because I have a good partner to have sex with. However, surprisingly, there are increasing sexless couples, especially, I think that it is related to the increase of sexless couples, increasing virgin men (not women) in the thirties in Japan. Though in the thirties, they’ve never had sex. Why? I don’t know what the certain reason for that is, but it looks like more men are not interested in women. This fact tells us that they don’t marry only to have free sex. Additionally, men usually want to have sex with different women, I guess. I can’t believe that men are married only to have sex with only one woman. In fact, the weekly magazines devote a lot of space to stars' extramarital affairs. People like an illicit love. One famous TV star in Japan once said that an illicit love is one of cultures in Japan. Actually many classic novels in Japan are related to an illicit love, more correctly, an illicit and dangerous sex, and many Japanese seem to be more likely to yearn for it. (I don’t know about the cases in the US, however.) That’s why many Japanese are seeking for a dreamlike rendezvous though the internet and having a date in the night by using the internet is popular in Japan.
Assuming that marriage weren’t only for having sex, for what else reason are people married? For happiness? However, it is not always happy for all married couples. In fact more couples are divorcing and, in a serious case, going to the court because of their divorces. It is natural for us to think that there are many reasons for marriage, but what my mother talked to me one day is a somewhat heartwarming comment to the value of marriage: one of the best points of marriage is to have children. For me as her son, this comment makes me smile a little. She has thought that it is a happy part of her life for her to have children. And then I can think that marriage gives her a good chance to have children; Children―it’s a happy marriage to her. It is a very easy, but a thought-provoking answer. It could be said that marriage makes her realize that she can have children. I think that I must keep it in mind. Also she told me that it was her big pressure to watch us grow up in her marriage life. If marriage were a happy thing in having children, it would be easy for us to think that public policies for support child raising are much more important to make a happy marriage, especially in an aging society where there are less children and more aged in Japan. The comment that my mother gave me makes me think that one of the keys to a happy marriage is to help married couples with children with raising children. (Note that I do not mean that childless marriage is unhappy.)
6 comments:
Dear Taro, I think this is a good article. It is true that marriage is one of the most important matters in one's life. However, ironically, it is also a confusing and controversial topic. As we talk about it, we are naturally about to discuss people's perspective about what is love and what role does sex play in love. Actually, I've no idea, and after I read your article, I become more confused. Every time when I face to the fact that many marriages are not happy at all, from the beginning to the end, I will feel painful. Every time when I think about the fact that many people marry not for love but for purposes of interest, I will feel painful. I will feel extremely painful when I see many situations where people talk about love only because they are eager to have sex. I don't know why, but since I got to know what is sex, I've kept one thing in my mind, that having sex with a girl should be somewhat a serious matter, because that means both of us really treat each other as the partner of the whole life and are willing to face every difficulty in the future together. In a word, we both treat the relationship seriously. It becomes somewhat a faith to me. (I shall say that though I have been 21, I have never had a girlfriend, let alone having sex experience.) On the other hand, as what you point out in the article, though you say you are not sure, that men usually want to have sex with different women, even though I have such a faith to take the relationship with the one whom I fall in love with seriously, I can't help dreaming of have sex with other beautiful girls! For a long time, I have been feeling really guilty about that, and this may perhaps shed some light on why I am afraid to have a deeper relationship with a girl - I suspect whether I can be loyal to her and whether I match her! This is a paradox that I always hope to but cannot untangle for a long time. Another thing that puzzles me for long is about Japanese adult video industry. (I don't know whether this is an unpleasing topic to you, so if it makes you feel uncomfortable, forgive me and ignore this part or just delete this comment.) I don't know why AV industry is legal in Japan. I cannot understand why so many Japanese girls become AV actresses. What's their parents' attitude? What's the society's attitude? What's the difference people treat an AV actress and a prostitute? As their career lasts very short and not every one could earn a lot, (moreover, they usually devote to this career at an early age so that they are not likely to take advanced educaiton) how can they earn their life after they retire? What influence will this occupation have on them when they are about to find a boyfriend or marry? And what's your attitude to this occupation? (I shall say again that I am just curious about this issue and I hope it will not offend you, my friend.)
Thank you very much for your sincere opinion on my post. First of all, I should say that I understand your intention when I read your comment.
In this blog, any comment is OK except one that hurts other people's feelings and that damages their reputations and situations. From now on I will write another essay about marriage and sex industry in Japan from viewpoint of economics. Anyway your comment is very sincere as usual. So very welcome!! Please don't worry, frostfire! When I read a comment, I try to read its intention and background at the same time. I do not judge just by appearances, but by thinking about backgrounds.
Also your comment is interesting because we have different views on marriage and sex. You are a serious man. Certainly, some Japanese men also have a great faith to take the relationship with girl whom they fall in love with seriously like you. And then they don't seem to dream sex with other beautiful girls.
Let me talk a little about my general view on sex: one Chinese scholar at my school told me about Japanese view on sex. According to him, Japan has a particular culture of sex. I think that it is right. We may be much more tolerant of talking and having sex from another viewpoint of view. In China it seems that many people don't like talking and thinking about sex because anything closely related to sex is prohibited by the Chinese communist party and they generally avoid it traditionally, but I don't know very well. However, for example, in Shanghai(whose economy is growing fast now), sex industry has become more popular recently than ever for tourists from abroad(probably most of the tourists are dirty Japanese, oh, sorry.)
To be honest, I am not good at building a good and deeper relationship with a girl. You said that it is a paradox that you always hope to have a deep relationship for a long time but cannot. In this point I don't think so. As well as many Japanese guys including me, they are not good at that matter. That's why love has been an interesting and troublesome matter that makes many guys and girls annoying and tired. Love is sometimes happily strategic, and other time seriously paradoxical. What is interesting in your comment is your mention about Japanese adult video industry. To be honest, I like watching AV movies. (If you feel uncomfortable, sorry.) Many guys may like them. However, some AV movies are really uncomfortable, and I don't like them. They usually look like many guys rape a woman, and so on. I think that the contents of some AV movies should be against the law and moral. I also cannot understand why so many violent AV movies are so common in Japan. Also the reason that many Japanese girls become AV actresses may be that they want to become famous, but I don't know. I don't think that their parents agree on that. However, in Japan the society's attitude toward it may be very different from your conjecture:
Some people watch the AV actresses just like as a TV star, others have a respect for them. I think that few people have an uncomfortable feeling about them in Japan. It is because Japan has a culture of more tolerance of showing sex and talking about sex than any other country, I guess. Of course, it should be avoided to talk about sex with some bad intention in public. That is not so polite too in Japan as in China, I think. (Sorry, these are all my conjectures.)Also I think that an AV actress is, what is called, a virtual prostitute on the TV screen. There seems to be a kind of culture of AV movie in Japan. And so AV actresses sometimes become an object of respect and admiration because,you said, their career lasts very short and some of them could earn a lot. Is it interesting? Finally my attitude to AV actress is not so bad, but I think it is very hard for them to control them mentally and physically.
A little too long, but I am happy with such a culture of the tolerance of view on sex in Japan. It may be a kind of traditional custom, but I don't know well.
Thank you very much, my friend, for your patient explanation about the issues I am curious about. Why I am curious about these issues is not just because "in China it seems that many people don't like talking and thinking about sex because anything closely related to sex is prohibited by the Chinese communist party and they generally avoid it traditionally" so that it seems exciting to talk about it but because of the totally different viewpoint towards sex between Chinese people and Japanese people. As you mentioned, Japan has a culture of more tolerance of showing sex and talking about sex than any other country. Though I still cannot be used to this culture, I can understand it and I respect it. Many Chinese people feel it ashamed to show sex and talk about sex openly. I also understand them and respect them. To be honest, I watch some AV movies, too. What is the same with you is that I hate those with violence as well. More generally, I don't like to see actresses physically hurted or mentally disrespected in movies.
Well, I am looking forward to your essay about marriage and sex industry in Japan from viewpoint of economics. I'm sure I will acquire more ideas about these issues and know more about the reality.
marriage is something that throws confusion in my mind. looking at my parents, i can see that they have this -called- happy marriage. but looking around in the society, many people don't!
people get married for many purposes. some said : to legalize sex!or to have children or what so-ever! :)
one thing i know, if i want and ready to get married, he should be someone i want to spend my life with :)
Aini,
Me, too! I also want to get married with a woman whom I really like to live with forever. but it's an ideal thing, many people don't make it come true.
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